[Please. Please don’t make this your wedding song unless you are my husband-to-be. I can be selfish at times, hun. Lol]
I’m 21 years old—-turning a year older in two days. And, just came from a breakup. My first official heartbreak. Official, since I cried over my crushes having another crush, or cried over someone who once told me they liked me. Haha. Official since that was the first romantic relationship I had.
Here it goes. This is the first time I publicize this stuff. It had been almost three months. Yeah… Single, I am. Should I still reiterate every single detail of that relationship? Hmm… Oh, wait. Yes, that was an amazing RELATIONSHIP. Not flirting, not just dating, and throwing away I love yous, I miss yous, and your heart loving. It had been almost two years. Or actually more. Many hated me when I first let the person stop courting me. He first courted me for about a year. Kaasar ‘di ba? Many many many people eyed on me like I am the most ungrateful woman ever. And neglected a person who loved me like yeah for someone I don’t deserve. Then poof, to make the looooong story short, we/he got back. We started the relationship amazingly.
Come on. We always do. Everyone did.
Then, here came August 10. We broke up. I have can’t go through the details here. If you want to know… Uhm, I’ll ask you why. As I have said, 10% of you maybe cared, 60% maybe wowed that “Ate Ghia, someone you knew from church, from school, from writing about someone who sells lollipops, is actually broken-hearted… whatever happened to her?”, and 30% are actually happy when I came to this breaking point of mine.
As I post this blog, many won’t read this blog therefore many will remain uneducated about my singleness. Do they really have to know? NO. NOT AT ALL. But many knew. Many knew. A few asked how I was. Few cared. Grateful for those few people.
It’s not even about my brokenness. Only a few knew what went through. It was hard at first but I learned about surrendering every part to Jesus. Placed everything on the cross and it had been an everyday decision to balance out holding on and letting go. Yes, everyday. Everyday surrender.
This blogpost is actually about something I need to let go… The urge to love. Well, love romantically. Again.
I’ve been one who got lots of walls but there came a time that I felt the need to love. It had been a “routine” for me to care about someone. I don’t mind being cared about but I wanted to channel out my care for someone. But, no. I can’t. Not yet, maybe.
I once cried about this to Jesus. I don’t even know how to say it. It’s like I don’t know if someone will even understand what I am going through (this is why I don’t talk about this a lot). Well, only Jesus, of course. He knew me. He knew everything about me, even the things I don’t know yet or I don’t understand about myself.
I had been sorry for actually feeling like this. I’m young. I need lots of growing up to do, although many thought of me like I can bear this one easily. I don’t think about it that much. It’s about suppression. But one thing odd about suppression is that it can burst anytime you’re full. And the outcome can be much worse than the former.
This thinking is unfair. Because I got friends who are many ways advanced in age more than me and I think of this. Hahaha! Kidding aside, this mindset can work either way. It’s either I go for this unlikely urge to love and go for loving again and most likely forget my Ecclesiastes 3. Or… Use it to my heart’s benefit. To pray for whoever he may be, to pray that God will make me whole and make my partner complimentary to my wholeness in Jesus, to make Jesus known in my weakness (1 Corinthians 12:9), and to love when. I am prepared unlike when I’m feeling lonely.
I’m holding on to God’s promise over my life (and lovelife, hahaha). Pouring out my love to Jesus and to my twelve. See you, whoever you may be, when we’re both ready. No 144, no 143. Hahaha! Labyu 😁
PS: I’ll sing to you the song I am referring to in time 😉😘 pray for me as I am praying for you.